two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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