Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
