Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
