I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize