My hand turned me down
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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