Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
