i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
