Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
