sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
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