matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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