I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
