Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
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