I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Drunk is a universal language darling
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
