It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Randomize
