life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
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