My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
