question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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