I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
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