You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
