Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
