I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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