They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
