Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
