Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
