wakey wakey hands off snakey
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
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