The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Randomize
