I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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