She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
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