shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
