I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
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