I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
