On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
