Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
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