I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
