She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
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