I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
