I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
