i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Randomize
