; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
