capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
