i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
