Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
