i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
