Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
