Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
