I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Randomize
