if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
