the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
