Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
