the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
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