Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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