I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Randomize
