I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize