I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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