Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
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