I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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