M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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