I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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