I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Randomize
