i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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