Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Randomize
