my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
Randomize