Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
