did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
