I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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