apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
